Funny Quotes Sayings

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Funny Quotes Sayings Biography
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

The road to success is always under construction.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Death is hereditary.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

Well-behaved women rarely make history

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong

He who laughs last, didn't get it.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."

"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."

"Half of the people in the world are below average."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."

"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."

"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

Funny Quotes Sayings