Really Funny Quotes

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There are funny quotes and then there are funny quotes. Some really make you guffaw, while others rarely make your lips curl in mirth. Truly, there are only a few award-winning really funny quotes that make you laugh over and over again. Here are a few really funny quotes that I think are quite different from the others.
Colonel Sanders
There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

Roseanne Barr
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

W.C. Fields
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Milton Berle
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

George Gobal
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Voltaire
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Oscar Wilde
By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murderâ€¦it would be an apocalypse!
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
I bet you get bullied a lot.
I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
She's the first in her family born without tail.
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
You are not even beneath my contempt.
You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

Really Funny Quotes