Funny Divorce Quotes

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Funny Divorce Quotes Biography
I love the quote by Robin Williams. I'm sure there are a lot of divorcing women out there who wish it were possible. And, Norman Mailer hits the nail on the head doesn't he? That goes for both sexes. We dont' really know anyone until we meet them in divorce court.

“I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.”
Edward Albee

“You don't know a women till you've met her in court.”
Norman Mailer

“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.”
Henny Youngman

“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. “
Elayne Boosler

“She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” (married 13 times, to 11 women)
Tommy Manville

“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor

“The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce”
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

“American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced”
Elinor Glyn

“The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money”
Johnny Carson

"Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified."
J.B. Handlesman

"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?"
Unknown

“The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.”
John Kenneth Galbraith

“There are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.”

Hi, everyone, I’m Sara! I am a good friend of Adam’s and I will be helping out with whatever the group is interested in. I personally have not gone through a divorce, to be honest I’ve never even been married. But it seems like all my friends and boyfriends have been through it…which makes me unsure about the whole marriage kit-and-kaboodle to begin with. So, while I have plenty of mortifying dating stories I could share, there’s no divorce story (but, hey, I’m optimistic!). I’m also not a divorce expert and would never try to claim that; but I’m completely supportive of what Adam is doing and hopefully I’ll be an asset to this community. One thing I do believe is that the stigma of divorce in our society is morally wrong. I’ll probably make someone somewhere angry about that, but I think it is patently unfair to judge people for not being able to…let’s see…predict the future. Nobody sets out to fail. Everyone tries their best. I really believe that. We’re just too obsessed with permanence and perfection. Adam told me a long time ago that I can’t beat myself up for mistakes. That’s because sometimes mistakes are blessings in disguise, and sometimes seemingly good things cause problems down the road. And there’s simply no way to know in advance. To beat yourself up for events out of your control is to hold yourself responsible for the universe. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to fix what goes wrong, or take responsibility for choices, but enough with the self-judgment! As a serial perfectionist, one thing I can say is that beating yourself up never does any good. We were never supposed to be perfect.

Something I’d like to share, that I feel I can contribute, is the occasional humorous post to give everyone some much-needed comic relief. (No? You don’t need it? Of course you need it!) Whether it’s the craziest divorce stories or funny quotes like you’re about to read, consider me the silver lining on that giant cloud of alimony. I will also be working on researching and reviewing the best divorce support resources for everyone to weigh in on.

But enough about resources. Just take a look at some of the funniest and most famous (or maybe just infamous) divorce quotes:

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. – Anonymous

If you think you have trouble supporting a wife, try not supporting her. – Anonymous

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years. – Lee Travino

One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas. – Anonymous

She got the gold mine, I got the shaft. – Jerry Reed

Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court. – Norman Mailer

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. – Helen Rowland

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. – Lord Chesterfield

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck – if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left. – Anonymous

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. – Time Magazine

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. – Anonymous

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. – Henny Youngman

Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash. – Anonymous

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. – J.B. Handlesman

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. (married 13 times, to 11 women)
- Tommy Manville

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100, 000 short. – Mickey Rooney
Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. – Gerard Lieberman

Like I said, I’ve got too much respect for women to marry them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t support them emotionally and financially. – Sylvester Stallone

You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. – Mike Tyson

Thank you to Whip It Out Comedy for their hilarious collection of divorce quotes.
Laugh it off, I say…
15. “Ah yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams
14. “The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” - Johnny Carson
13. “The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” - Woody Allen
12. “I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” - Zsa Zsa Gabor
11. “To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy mansion for a while.” - James Caan

10. “I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” - Bette Davis
9. “She cried - and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” - Tommy Manville
8. “I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.” - Lenny Clarke
7. “I look a divorce this way: it’s better to have loved and lost, then to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.” - Steve McGrew
6. “Marriage isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.” - Larry Gelbart

5. “Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.” - Rich Vos
4. “Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.” - Dave Mordal
3. “What happened? Satan was busy?” - Sam Kinison on finding out his wife had hired lawyer Marvin Mitchelson to represent her in her divorce case against him.
2. “I can’t take his genius any more.” - Rita Hayworth on why she divorced Orson Welles
1. “You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.” - Willie Nelson

Funny Divorce Quotes