Online Quotes Gallery: Funny Quotes About Christmas

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Funny Quotes About Christmas Biography
The joy of the Christmas holiday season is overshadowed by the stress of the holiday shopping season each year for American consumers. What follows are funny and inspirational quotes about Christmas gifts and holiday shopping that will help lift the mood of the average American shopper and remind us all not to take the Christmas holiday shopping, consuming and preparations too seriously.

"As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same." - Donald E. Westlake, crime fiction writer

"One good thing about Christmas shopping it toughens you for the January sales." - Grace Kriley

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." - Burton Hillis, columnist and author

"Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas." - Peg Bracken, author

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. - Richard Lamm, former Governor of Colorado

"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money." - Author unknown

"A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing." ~ Author unknown

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." ~ Katharine Whitehorn, British columnist

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Dave Barry, humor columnist

"The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfuly wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents." - O. Henry, short story writer

"Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping." - Jon Anderson, musician

"Consider Christmas — could Satan in his most malignant mood have devised a worse combination of graft plus bunkum than the system whereby several hundred million people get a billion or so gifts for which they have no use, and some thousands of shop clerks die of exhaustion while selling them, and every other child in the Western world is made ill from overeating — all in the name of the lowly Jesus?" - Upton Sinclair, author

"Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words." - Harlan Miller, writer

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included”. – English Proverb

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple, child actor and former U.S. ambassador

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money." ~ Author Unknown

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" ~ Bill Watterson, cartoonist and creator of Calvin and Hobbes

"Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect." - Oren Arnold, author

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." - Dave Barry, humor columnist

"One of the nice things about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with a present." ~ Author Unknown

Once you’ve trimmed the tree, fought the crowds to buy the perfect presents, and travelled to see your family and friends, it’s time to slow down and remember that Christmas should be fun. Today’s quotes are funny quotes for Christmas, which display the lighter side of the holiday.

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

-George Carlin

View slideshow: Funny Christmas quotes

“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do.”

-Jon Stewart

“People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”

-Ogden Nash

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

-Johnny Carson

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.”

-Andy Rooney

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

-Dave Barry

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”

-Jay Leno

“Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”

-Frank McKinney Hubbard

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

-Shirley Temple

“There has been only one Christmas--the rest are anniversaries.”

-W.J. Cameron

“Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.”

-Gary Allan

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”

-P.J. O'Rourke

“The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts.”

-Peter Dickinson

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.”

-Katharine Whitehorn

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”

-Bernard Manning

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”

-Victor Borge

Funny Quotes About Christmas